I hadn’t truly begun exploring myself until I was given my most significant assignment ever: caretaking other Beings. This. Changed. Everything. It was the start of my ruthless questioning. Perhaps, age was also a factor.
One of the first things I rebuked was “pink is for girls, blue is for boys”. I’ve written about this over the years [this is one instance, ‘Raising boys as we fight for gender equality’]. We were the gateway for two souls, born 19 months apart – what some call ‘Catholic twins’ or ‘Irish twins,’ a term for siblings born in quick succession, often without much planning (in our case, a haze of perimenopause-induced chaos). It was the Universe’s sneaky way of slipping a second soul through to this dimension. And I’ll forever be thankful for that ‘mishap’.
Wholeness is not a split decision
As the parenting journey began, I worked hard to loosen the grips of gender expectations. I wasn’t always successful, but there have been several realisations. I had a recent reminder of the power of gender perception when our 11- and 9-years olds showed again that reality is individual expression.
The kids at school have been sewing, knitting, and crocheting. Not something I would have expected but it’s amazing for fine-motor development. In my day, that was for girls at school, and not just any girls, the ones who were deemed less bright than those of us who were funnelled into maths and science. Me, doing maths and science. It’s so laughable today.
What has truly struck me about their needlework enthusiasm is the zeal with which they’ve picked it up. My Rock Star was even happy to do this at Spur. In public. Unbelievable. Clearly, cool is what you make it. To date, I have a few chokers, bracelets, and anklets. I’m sure our dogs will have some crafts soon.
Who said knitting is for grannies?
You see, they’ve never seen any granny, let alone any person around them, knit or crochet. They don’t have any preconceived beliefs around what this is. It’s just a fun, creative thing to do. Give a pair of knitting needles to any older person, especially a male, and you’re likely to get strange looks. Yet, we’re fawning over the luxurious designer label, MAXHOSA. A global brand, born in South Africa, of high-end knitwear. There’s a story behind that creativity, and it’s not one of staying in the guard rails.
I’ve used the story of the knitting not to illustrate that I believe my kids will have careers in fashion. It’s too early for those expectations. Heck, I can’t even imagine what career/business opportunities will be around in 5 years. I’m using it to show that all the gender labels we throw around daily are so limiting.
Gender has been created by society. [Here’s another previous piece ‘Shattering gender stereotypes’]. You want to test that? Look at newborn babies. Once the babe is swaddled, with no genitals on show, it’s relatively difficult to tell if it’s a girl or boy. But as soon as we start dressing them up, the gender becomes apparent. In many instances, the way the baby is dressed is their gender marker. And of course, how we refer to them, “my son” or “my daughter”, #boymom or #girlmom. Why? They’re children.
Our obsession with binaries
This gender enigma even goes beyond the baby years. I was that two-year-old with hardly any hair that my mother would tell of how she would have to perch bows and ribbons on my head – not sure how – just so that people would stop thinking I was a boy. Why was that even necessary? She would always tell that story proudly when showing off my long, thick ‘frizzy’ hair in my teens. I think it was more relief.
Still not convinced about gender? Let’s look at older people – the ones with wrinkles, thinning hair, and a body that’s started to bend with time, showing the telltale signs of life lived. Put them in gender-neutral clothing, and it’s hard to tell the difference. Imagine them lying in a hospital bed.
Our beliefs around gender are limiting – even for those who are cisgender. Born female and identifying as a woman comes with a truckload of expectations that are confusing at best and downright demeaning at worst. As mothers, we often don’t even realise this as we uphold and recreate these environments for our children.
Freedom is fluid
Let your kids dress themselves, choose what they want to wear, and express themselves in whatever way they feel. We can let a 4-year-old boy wear a Superman suit – oh, how cute – but that same child, at 8, gets frowned upon for wearing a tutu.
The biggest misconception is that our gender defines the masculine or feminine energy within us. Dear heart, you’re a magical mix of both.
Join me for part 2 as we explore energy and what this means for all of us.
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