I thought that I was done setting all the boundaries I needed to. I was not able to transition into my next life stage without this. For starters, the Universe withheld my husband until I had physically and emotionally removed myself from certain unholy alliances.

 

It was almost like magic. Once I had shifted my perspective, my aura was fresh and clear, and Mr T. was delivered. So efficiently. It happened within weeks. At the start of 2009, I was committed to self-growth, healing, and a life on my own. I had finally found my inner bliss.

 

It was so quick; our dearest late Aunty D had asked Mr T. if there was a baby on the way.

 

By the end of 2009, the country was not only hysterical amidst the hyped-up first African World Cup, but I was also engaged and planning a wedding for 17 January 2010. It was so quick; our dearest late Aunty D had asked Mr T. if there was a baby on the way. I would have asked the same question.

 

Since then, there hadn’t been the need to consider boundaries as in my experience, they were mainly physical and emotional, from one too many ‘entanglements’ over the years. Side note. Thank you, Jada Pinkett Smith, for this eloquent encapsulation of situations that cannot be dignified as relationships.

 

Anyway, as I had crossed that Rubicon – damn, it was so hard and took years of self-imposed torment, tears, and heartache – creating boundaries was no longer an issue for me. I was lulled into ignorance.

 

Until I was minding my own business, having a leisurely breakfast, when That Healing Chick infiltrated my subconscious by mentioning some boundaries she’s had to set. The word ‘boundaries’ stayed in mind, not connected to anything, just floated around. It was only a couple of days later when I had one of Oprah’s Aha Moments.

 

Now the details of the boundaries I need to set are irrelevant. What is important is the process of identifying that a boundary must be created, and then what to do about it.

 

I’ve usually been asked to do something or someone has said something that has jarred my inner space and my reaction is not my truth.

 

Here’s my truth. Sometimes things don’t sit well with me, and I often can’t articulate it immediately, I just feel off-centre. Something is not right. My inner knowing has been violated. I’ve usually been asked to do something or someone has said something that has jarred my inner space and my reaction is not my truth. Rather, it’s what society believes I should do or say. That’s all you need for your boundary has been crossed.

 

There’s never a good reason for any boundary to be crossed. It’s always easy to draw a line with a stranger or someone we’re not emotionally invested in. The difficulty is when the proximity gets closer, family, friends, and colleagues.

 

Now there’s a range of reasons why one could feel that one’s boundaries have been crossed. You’re exhausted, and need your version of self-care but your ‘draining’ friend ‘needs’ you, so you make yourself available.

 

I get why some people have taken the ‘blue tick’ off.

 

And here’s my favourite everyday reason that I think most can relate to. Someone sends a Whatsapp text, and you feel you (a) need to read it and (b) respond right now. I get why some people have taken the ‘blue tick’ off. I’m trying to get to a place where you can see that I’ve read it, but I don’t need to reply in real-time. You have no idea what I’m doing, why I cannot pay attention to the message at that particular time.

 

Oh, and we need to release the need for explanations! ‘No’ is a full and complete sentence. But we over-explain ourselves. Why? The need for outside validation.

 

But back to preserving our sacred spaces and not feeling responsible for everyone else especially when we’re healing ourselves. It starts with realising that you are responsible for you. This equally applies to others on their own unique journeys. We arrived here on our own, we will transition on our own.

 

There’s no need to make decisions in the now.

 

The other thing that I need to put into practice more often is the simple phrase, “I’ll consider it and let you know” or any iteration of that. There’s no need to make decisions in the now. We can live there, but there’s no urgency for decisions in the now.

 

This simple phrase is so honest and preserves the dignity of all parties. If someone is not able to deal with that ‘pause’, again, that’s not your problem. The hysteria and chaos that someone else is experiencing is not your responsibility. No-one has a right to emotionally blackmail you into anything. Love, attention, time, money, whatever. Whether they realise it or not.

 

Finally, it’s very important to understand that we don’t really ‘help’ others when their demands strain us, and negatively charge our energy. It’s like a vortex, you’re absorbed unwittingly, almost helpless. This creates co-dependencies, and they don’t ever get their lessons and heal. Heard of tough love? It’s tough.

 

Dear hearts, creating boundaries and nurturing Self is the first tenet of love.

 

Here’s to a soulful Sunday! And please join me to send love, light, and rainbows to my ‘oops, I’m pregnant again at 41’ gift. Happy birthday, my Bright One!